This is an 'expat in Asia' interview with my longtime friend Chase Amante. He who runs a company named Girls Chase that specializes in teaching men the ins and outs of
• social skills and
He has a special focus on becoming the kind of men whom women actually pursue.
I first met Chase in person in 2008, when he visited my home in Seoul, South Korea. We’ve had some great conversations and good visits in the years since.
After leaving California in 2010 Chase spent a few years traveling Asia (with a home base in Beijing, China.)
Most of what Chase teaches was developed in the United States
and is geared at Western women, and I wanted to ask him about his experiences in Asia and if the same things that work well in the West work well over here too.
Note: This is with Regards to how You meet to date and the relationship afterwards.
Chase: This is an area where everybody has a different opinion, but mine is “Only in the details.” Women are women are women – they’re the same all over the world, and ultimately all want the same things.
Some nuances are different – for instance, many Eastern women aren’t going to flat-out tell you what they want the way most Western women will, and will simply assume you’ll just figure it out, which is better in some ways (less fighting / drama / surface-level tension).
It's also worse in some ways (unless you’re far more sensitive than most Western men, some of those signals are going to completely fly over your head and you won’t know there’s a problem until it blows up in your face).
How you meet Eastern and Western women is different, to an extent. If you’re
meeting women on the street and in coffee shops and out shopping during the day – which I advise, if you want high quality girlfriends – you’ll find some really beautiful, intelligent, interesting women out and about the same as anywhere else in the world (except perhaps certain parts of the Middle East).
But if you’re relying on traditional Western ways of meeting women –
• social circle
• networking events
• online dating
• bars and nightclubs – you’re going to be disappointed in the quality you get.
You’ll find plenty of women here who are after male expats in Asia, and appearance-wise, you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you first arrive from a Western country at how not-fat most of the women are.
But you quickly realize that Asian people do not have a “going out” culture, and that the girls who “go out” are mostly women on the prowl in search of foreigners – great for some quick fun, but probably not the kind of girls you want to end up in a relationship of any kind with.
To meet the higher quality girls, you need to be meeting women by day.
Chase: Another thing you’ll hear a lot is “learn the local language,” but most of the guys I see who bother learning the local language are dating girls a lot less attractive than the guys who don’t bother.
This isn’t just an Asia phenomenon; you’ll see it in Europe and South America as well. I’ve talked to a lot of women about this, and the opinion seems to be that if a guy’s learning the local tongue-
he’s working really hard to get girls there (no one ever believes he’s working that hard just to start a business there… they always know it’s for the girls).
Whereas the expats in Asia who can’t speak it, girls assume he’s already got so much choice with women that it isn’t worth his time.
There are also little subtle things that come into play – if you only speak English,
the girl is having to work hard and come into your world and try and get you; if you speak her language, then she gets to relax and lean back while you try (and often stumble around and look clumsy and sound juvenile) to go to her.
If you’re going to put down roots somewhere and spend 7 or 10 years living there, it’s probably worth learning the language for practical purposes, but definitely don’t do it for girls!
Chase: Oh, absolutely! Chasing is really just the result of a simple mental formula that comes down to
1/ “Do I want this man?” +
2/ “Do I think I can get this man?” +
3/ “Can I wait for this man to do things at his own pace?”
If the answers are “yes,” “yes,” and “no,” you’ll usually get chasing.
In the East, you tend to see a lot more blatant chasing than you do in the West.
That’s for a couple of reasons: Eastern women tend to be less experienced with men than Western women; they’ve had
• fewer sexual partners
• fewer romantic relationships and
• dating often isn’t a big part of the culture
We tend to forget that dating is an American invention from the early 20th century that became common in Europe not long after, and other countries later as the United States exported popular media.
But “dating” is not a normal practice in a lot of parts of the world.
In China and India, while arranged marriages may not be completely the norm
anymore, most people still meet their future spouses through introductions set up by friends or family.
They meet a few times, get to know each other, and end up
married not too long after.
Note: You can check out his e-book 'How To Make Girls Chase' here.
Chase: So you get these inexperienced women – and inexperienced women are far more blunt and direct than experienced women in their desires and interest in men, and a lot less subtle with less ego protection going on.
This is because they don’t have the baggage and rejection-avoidance built in that only comes with experience – and you throw some Western men into the mix, who are both perceived as more attractive by default simply because of all the Hollywood films being shipped over and the "exotic-ness" factor.
Not only that but these guys are usually
• more aggressive
• more assertive
• and less inclined to hide their sexuality than most of the Eastern guys.
Eastern men on the other hand come from often rather unisexual cultures, where expressions of sexuality in men and women are discouraged.
This creates the perfect recipe for chasing: a girl’s meeting a guy who’s totally unlike the other guys she usually meets, he actually goes for what he wants, he treats her like a sexually attractive woman, and he also doesn’t judge her the way that most members of her society does, so she feels relaxed and free around him.
It’s something she simply can’t get with a local guy.
There’s an opposite effect in some countries and some parts of countries, however – go to Thailand, and you’re automatically assumed to be a sex tourist by both the women in the sex industry and the women outside of it who want nothing to do with it (and nothing to do with sex tourists, like they assume you probably are).
Foreigners have also received a bad rap as being “all English teachers” in a lot of other Eastern countries – basically, the people who couldn’t get a job and didn’t have skills in the West, who came to the East just to teach what they know.
This can make landing higher quality women more difficult in a lot of places – but that’s a problem you’ll run into everywhere, and you need a lot of tweaking to your approach with women and some enhancements to your own life and prospects itself to really consistently be landing high quality girls and holding onto them wherever you are in the world.
Chase: First, don’t hurt her.
Unless you’re dating one of the foreigner-crazy girls who’s already had 10 foreign boyfriends before you, Asian women are a lot less experienced with men than their Western counterparts – depending on the country.
You’ll tend to want to dock anywhere from four to eight years from her age if you want to get a proper comparison with a Western woman’s dating experience levels.
A 22-year old girl in China tends to have the dating experience (and expectations) of a 15- or 16-year old in America or Western Europe. You can really tear her heart out and stomp it into pieces if you approach a relationship with her the same way you would a Western 22-year old.
Assume that she’s entering into a relationship with you imagining a fairy tale ending, so either be very frank with her and don’t get involved unless you’re serious, or only date older or more experienced women who won’t be as easy to hurt.
Chase: Second, don’t be too innocent yourself. There are Eastern women who specialize in foreign men – many times these are the girls with very high sex drives (and there are girls like that all over the world, in every culture and every country).
These girls make great quick flings – they’re lots of fun – but often terrible girlfriends.
Most of the foreigner-loving women I’ve met have difficulty sticking with just one expat in Asia – they’re kind of like kids in candy stores.
A fair number of foreigner-lovers I’ve slept with have confessed to me either before or after we became lovers that they had boyfriends (both Western and Asian boyfriends).
Boyfriends and husbands I didn’t even know confronted me because these men found out I slept with their woman.
Again, there are women like this everywhere in the world – but in the East, they’re especially easy to pick out, because most of them are foreigner-crazy and have a history of dating expats in Asia.
Good for flings, bad for relationships.
Chase: Third, be kind and respectful of her home culture, but never fully integrate.
The reason for this is, the more integrated you become (even as an expat in Asia) – the better you know the language; the more you know and follow the local customs; the further you adopt the local style of dealing with people and handling relationships – the more your woman will come to have local expectations of you.
If you want a healthy relationship, it’s better to remain the exotic / sexy / mysterious “foreigner” who does things in a weird, different way (the way he learned to in his home country), but it's still a nice and respectful guy toward the host culture, than it is to start behaving like all the other guys she’s ever known and doing your best to resemble them…
and then getting all the expectations she has of them (get a better job, buy
a piece of property, have a more stable life, etc.).
It also helps a lot if you meet the girl’s family and can’t talk to them – all you have to do is smile, be gracious, pull out
chairs and hold doors for people, and everybody thinks you’re a prince.
No “Meet the Parents” happening when they can’t communicate with you.
Did you like our interview? Feel free to check out Chase's site 'Girls Chase'.
Get more tips and advice from expats in Asia at this site and more.
"Dan Bloom is extremely experienced, extremely knowledgeable, and an
excellent teacher. He has got a deep understanding of the whole dating
process in Asian countries."